I rushed into a conference room, out of breath and stressed out after running out of a long meeting. I briefly shook the hand of a candidate before me and abruptly started the interview.
The room was full of tension and anxiety. The candidate, who came strongly referred by a trusted source, immediately looked nervous and unsure of himself. He had furrowed brows, a clenched jaw, and tightly crossed arms. When I noticed the beads of sweat on his hairline, I immediately thought, “This isn’t going to work.” All of this was surprising to me because from the look of his resume and from the referral I received, he seemed like a shoo-in.
Regardless of the first impressions I had about the candidate, I continued the interview and ended up making an offer to him.
So what changed? After I calmed down, took a deep breath, and concentrated on the interview, I realized that the candidate’s attitude started to change as well. He lightened up after I smiled and cracked a joke or two. When I leaned forward and opened my shoulders, facing my chest in his direction, he began to loosen his posture slightly. He took my cues and started to show me why he was so strongly referred. He mirrored my actions when I was stressed and nervous, but his expressions and demeanor improved when I lightened the mood.
Whether you realize it or not, body language affects every conversation you have, and mirroring can be a valuable tool to have in your arsenal.
Mirroring is the behavior in which someone copies another person, while in social interaction with them. How does it work in practice? It’s really simple: Pay attention to their subtle movements and copy it in an appropriate way. If you see someone smiling a lot in conversation, try smiling back to show him or her you are on the same page. Making a person feel comfortable is one of the key steps in developing a rapport with anyone – from a job candidate to a potential date.
Facial expressions are most commonly mirrored, but people also mirror voices, intonations, and even accents. Think about the time that you went to another country and tried to say an English word in their native accent. Don’t worry, we’ve all done it!
Here are some cues to look for to use “mirroring” effectively:
- People with their arms crossed are generally less comfortable and more closed off.
- Stiff posture shows rigidity and discomfort. Are their hands resting lightly on their legs or are their fingers appear bound together? If they’re making a fist, then it usually signals aggression or tension.
- Eye contact is the first and most important thing you can do to establish rapport. Looking away from someone means you are disinterested. Looking directly into their eyes for an extended period of time (what I call Serial Killer Eyes) is bad. Maintain steady eye contact and look away when appropriate.
- Someone who leans forward is eager or attentive and is looking for something. This can be a useful sales or relationship building tactic.
- The position of people’s feet or knees shows where their minds are. If they are pointed towards the door or exit, they are looking to leave; however, if they are pointed at you, they are engaged.
- Watch how quickly you’re talking. Your speaking rate will dictate your tone in a conversation. Too fast is excitable and can potentially seem overbearing, so make sure to speak at a comfortable pace.
When someone is angry, you’ll want to control the tone and speed of the conversation by speaking slowly. It’ll help alleviate the tense situation.
These are a couple of ways to use mirroring to your advantage in any social situation. Whether you’re interviewing for a job, trying to get a date or convincing someone to like you (because you hate the thought of people not loving you), these tips will help your cause. It just takes practice! Be mindful when you’re mirroring and make sure you don’t make it seem too obvious. Otherwise, people will think you’re weird. (Smile)